~*~LostSoul~*~

Past

Something that shouldn't be remembered or digged out from that Pandora box of my life.

I am never good at handling my past. Never was & never will.

The dark path that I have chosen now is my light now. Because, the past has never been bright for me, till now.

To cling on my past, means suicidal. To keep until it dwells, sore & painful even more, means suicidal too.

So what choice do I have besides digging them out. To look at the past, to remember the past, to talk about the past, was never an easy thing for me to do.

It takes lots of courage, confidence and trustworthy self to starts digging in it. Painful it may be, but I have to. I have to do it, in order to move on.

Moving on, that's another difficult task. Hating is so easy and forgetful.

Loving someone is not. I doubt myself in ever loving someone else, truthfully, faithfully, wholeheartedly.

I wonder will it take me longer to realize that I need love in this current & future life, because I know my past is not letting me.

I live by this principal & I stand by it.

Unless You've Lived My Life
Don't Judge Me Because You Don't Know
Never Have & Never Will Know
Every Little Things & Details About Me

You Won't See Me Cry

Life is so unpredictable.

I thought I won't fall in love, ever again. But, I did. And, even it's just for a brief moment, I know it's for real.

Somehow, I can only keep it to myself. No matter how, no matter how badly I want that someone to be with me, I know I can't be greedy.

Coz I believe, everything will fall into places when the times comes.

and So, I pray, for that someone to be with me here, again. Even, just for a brief moment.

You Won't See Me Cry by Sue Medley

The lights are on as a dawn breaks, I haven't slept at
all, my watch stopped a week ago that's when I got the
call. He said ‘I'm sorry you've got to believe me' He
could have been the one. The devils been knocking at
my door he keeps me on the run.

I'm alright I'm alright don't worry I'll be fine.
I'm alright I'm alright; I do it all the time.
So you won't see me cry

I saw your face in a down town crowd. I've seen you
everywhere. Sometimes in the strangest places. I can't
help stop and stare, this might sound crazy, but you
remind me of someone I did love. Excuse me it's my
mistake I think I've said enough.

I'm alright I'm alright don't worry I'll be fine.
I'm alright I'm alright, I do it all the time.
So you won't see me cry

I won't scream and I won't call you, never know how
far I've fallen, I won't loose my faith, I know I
still believe in something. You won't see me pound the
walls or curse the gods above. Because I still believe
in angels and I still believe in love.

And these times when shared mark some kind of ending.
The scarecrow in our backyard is laughing in the wind.
I'm stuck again trying to depend on lonely days gone
by.

You won't see me

I'm alright I'm alright don't worry I'll be fine.
I'm alright I'm alright, I do it all the time.
So you won't see me cry

May God Bless Us All

May God Bless Us All.

I don't believe in L.O.V.E. ... anymore

L.O.V.E. is overrated.
L.O.V.E. is only a wishful thinking.
L.O.V.E. is only confusing.
L.O.V.E. is merely a word with no meaningful believe.
L.O.V.E. puts you into crossroads.
L.O.V.E. blinds you.
L.O.V.E. makes you a hater.
L.O.V.E. puts you into tears.
L.O.V.E. makes you crazy, happy & sad at the same time.
L.O.V.E. is equivalent to weed or alcohol or SEX. Temporary insanity. Never REAL !!! Never PURE !!! Never SINCERE.

If you are too slow to catch L.O.V.E., you're left behind.
If you are too fast to catch L.O.V.E., you're too far ahead.

Why should we fall in L.O.V.E. if it only gives you heartache?
Why does we think we are in L.O.V.E. with someone when that someone doesn't L.O.V.E. you back?
Why do we put everything at risk when you're in L.O.V.E. with someone but that someone doesn't think or act the way we did?
Why do we always assume that special someone is really in L.O.V.E. with you?

When a guy asks you to quit smoking, you thought he loves you, thus why he asked you to quit. But, he doesn't.
When a guy asks you to quit drinking, you thought again that he loves you. But he doesn't.
When a guy asks you to behave in public, you almost confirms that he loves you. But he doesn't.

When we play hard to get, they try & try & try, and when we're completely head over heels, they left you cold. So painful ...

What's with these mixed signals?

Why can't just guy be frank with us and stop giving mixed or wrong signals to us?

I simply can't believe that I would fall to such word again.

How stupid I am ...

I should just stay a lesbian and fool around instead. Pfftttt ...

Heartbreak

Picked up from anonymous writer :P

Behind the laughter,
Behind the words "I will not falter"...
Look deeper and you will see.
Is that really me?

Confessions of a bleeding heart.
"Why does it have to be so hard?"
Here lies a soul heavily broken,
But the memories will never be forgotten.

I need you here with me,
Save me, I'm lost at sea.
Why this this hurt baby?
I miss the way we used to be.

I miss the way you say you love me,
I miss the way you smile at me,
I miss the way you look at me,
I miss the way your gentle hands hold me.

I miss the sound of your laugh,
But now all I am is half.
I miss the wasy you whisper in my ear,
But now your voice I can no longer hear.

Have you any clue,
The reason why my tears are blue.
I miss the things we used to do...
But what I miss the most is you.

I took your presence for granted.
I assumed you's always be there.
I miss the love we shared.
We should've taken more care.

If only I could turn back time,
Then you'd once again be mine.
If only I could turn back time,
Then we wouldn't have to be alone this Valentine's.

I'm trying to fight the tears from falling...
But I guess I'm too weak - I'm failing.
I'm sorry for causing you so much pain,
Maybe someday I will see you again.

Anxiety Attack or Panic Attack or Just Plain Paranoia

I need to get a grip on myself.

Really need to slap my ownself and yell out loud .. How naive & stupid I am when I take petty lil things way too seriously.

Why can't I be a normal woman like any other woman? Why must I be so dramatic, overreacted, self-inflicted, depressed, emotionally unbalanced and the list goes on.

Perhaps it's my age. BIG 31 !!! I guess deep down, I have been hiding & smiling behind the fact that I actually scared getting old. No longer 15 when I'm all carefree and happy but sexually confused. No longer 17 when I lost my virginity to my first boy, party like animal and having "fun" with a lot of people. No longer 20 when I finally know that I am a bisexual. No longer 25 when I finally learn on how LOVE effects & betrayed me at the same time. No longer 28 when I am focused at my work but the work hazard is high. No Longer 30 when I told myself that I will be fine (in which I'm not).

I can't blame my parents with the way I turn out. I should be taking the blame myself as I am an adult now but I can't even take care of myself.

Sometimes, I wonder, why I have turned into such a spoilt, rebellious, emotionally triggered, malicious self-inflicted and depressed woman.

I should starts taking my meds and worry less. Or else, I'll go nuts for real.

Random Pictures

Sorry lor .. I haven't got much Ideas lately .. My thinking cap has gone kuku .. yea lukewarm kuku .. Wait for my updates soon eh .. For now, I will just post pictures ..

Self Assurance

I'm blank.

Despites having stop taking my old prescription drug, I'm now under Luvox 50mg.

Depression is not easy to go away especially when you're all alone. I do have friends, I go out party with them, meet up for drinks, talked online, play together but I'm still depressed.

I do not know why I would still be depressed until now. Perhaps, I don't find anymore joy in working life. My working environment has not been easy still. It's not easy to work with backstabber & two faces so-called friends.

Anyway, early of this month, I started taking Taekwondo lesson once again. I realized that Taekwondo is the passion in my life and I have wasted 8 years due to my injury. On my first day of training, I had the most exhausting day of my life. By the fourth day, I almost vomited because my body has not yet fully endure the strain & fitness exercise. But, finally, after such long years, my mind is at ease.

I also did some photo shoot for plus size models. I'm not really big or anything, just chubby. I was nervous & I had doubts in my mind as well but I told myself, if you are going to be afraid of doing something new in your life, might as well die. Yea, I still have suicidal thoughts in my head when I'm depressed. I think I did good for the photo shot but I have yet to see the end result.

I'm so hoping that I can go on with my life & be out of depression. I need to take things easy one at a time now and be cool about life. I hope I will ...

Fight for Kisses

I Lol'ed xD

My Fav anime

I'm so hooked into Japanese anime. Don't ask me why. :)

these includes 2 hentai anime that I like to watch .. hehe

p/s: 18+ rated

Bleach

Claymore

Blood+

Naruto

Full metal panic

Elfen Lied

Bible Black

Discipline

Turning 30 !!!!

I'm going to be 30 soon ..

Darn, I'm getting old. My celibacy period is ending soon.

Ramadhan day is the same day as my birthday. Well, it's a good thing.

Anyway, I don't really have much to say these days.

Getting way too busy in the office, same old routine, still no commitment(bf), still enjoying my singlehood ..

What's gonna be my resolution for the new age, eh?

Quit smoking? nah ...
Quit being stressed? nah ...

I don't know ... I'm still lost as ever ..

Anyway, lots of my friends (online & real life) sharing the same birthday month as I am .. so here it goes ..

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ALL !!!

p/s : Anyone wanna give me any birthday present?

Jenny - The Demons Within

Taken from youtube. A video for Jenny made by rwasundi.

It touches me so deeply, in a way, some how ...

Artist: Natalie merchant
Song: My Skin
Album: Ophelia

Take a look at my body
Look at my hands
There's so much here
That I don't understand

Your face saving promises
Whispered like prayers
I don't need them
I don't need them

I've been treated so wrong
I've been treated so long
As if I'm becoming untouchable

Contempt loves the silence
It thrives in the dark
With fine winding tendrils
That strangle the heart

They say that promises
Sweeten the blow
But I don't need them
No, I don't need them

I've been treated so wrong
I've been treated so long
As if I'm becoming untouchable

I'm a slow dying flower
Frost killing hour
The sweet turning sour
And untouchable

O, I need
The darkness
The sweetness
The sadness
The weakness
I need this

I need
A lullaby
A kiss goodnight
Angel sweet
Love of my life
O, I need this

Do you remember the way
That you touched me before
All the trembling sweetness
I loved and adored?

Your face saving promises
Whispered like prayers
I don't need them
No, I don't need them

O, I need
The darkness
The sweetness
The sadness
The weakness
I need this

I need
A lullaby
A kiss goodnight
The angel sweet
Love of my life
I need this

Is it dark enough?
Can you see me?
Do you want me?
Can you reach me?
Or I'm leaving

You better shut your mouth
Hold your breath
Kiss me now you'll catch my death
O, I mean it

Save me from myself, anyone?

It's 2.13am now and I still can't sleep. I have been cheating on my medication, kept skipping them coz taking them makes me feel lazy !!! Much worse is I can't control my temper ...

My body aches most of the times. My feet hurts. My knee hurts. My tummy aches too. I've been having series of temper in the office.

Am I abusing myself? Have I been cheating myself?

I can't find the answer to what exactly that has turn me into becoming a shallow, depressive, bad temper, moody person.

I missed my friends. I missed talking to them. I missed hanging out with them. I missed my family. I missed my life. I missed myself.

The hardest part is letting go of my grudges. My grudge to everything. I have been hating myself. I have been hating sex. I have been hating my work. I have been hating to enjoy life. I have been a bitch, suicidal bitch.

My shrink told me to write more. Express myself. Let go of all the hate. The pain. The past. The ugly past. I dwelled too much. Too much of my past.

For what's worth, I need to learn to love myself again. My oldself.

I do not want to loathe, be a bitchy bitch anymore. Will I? Should I?

I don't have the answer ... Do you?

====================================

"Sleep" by My Chemical Romance

[Voice recording rewinds and plays certain parts, speeds up and slows down:]"

...Like last night, they are not like tremors, they are worse than tremors,

they are these terrors. And it's like, it feels like as if somebody

was gripping my throat and squeezing and..."

Some say, now suffer all the children

And walk away a savior,

Or a madman and polluted

From gutter institutions.

Don't you breathe for me,

Undeserving of your sympathy,

Cause there ain't no way that I'm sorry for what I did.

And through it all

How could you cry for me?

Cause I don't feel bad about it.

So shut your eyes,

Kiss me goodbye,

And sleep.

Just sleep.

The hardest part is letting go of your dreams.

A drink for the horror that I'm in,

For the good guys, and the bad guys,

For the monsters that I've been.

Three cheers for tyranny,

Unapologetic apathy,

Cause there ain't no way that I'm coming back again.

And through it all

How could you cry for me?

Cause I don't feel bad about it.

So shut your eyes, Kiss me goodbye,

And sleep.

Just sleep.

The hardest part's the awful things that I've seen.

[Voice recording:]

"...Sometimes I see flames. And sometimes

I see people that I love dying and... it's always..."

Just sleep.

[Screaming:] Wake up!

[Voice recording:]

"And I can't... I can't ever wake up."

I'm on drugs .. be gentle to me or beware of me ..

It's true. I'm on drugs now.

Started popping these "pills" last 24 July 2007. Once it get digested into my system, I felt so heavenly. At peace. Serenity. Supposed to make me calm & able to sleep early.

But, popping them everyday doesn't make me an addict. It's prescribed, medically approved by my doctor. A shrink actually. The first person I tell was Riez. Even though, he's cold (according to some people) but he's concern. I'm so thankful I have him around.

Yup, you heard me. Shrink a.k.a. Psychiatric has diagnosed me as being in a Chronic Depression episode. It's worse than my normal depression. Much worse that I had even think about suicidal plan & I can burst out in tears at anytime.

Period !! I'm a sick, sick person.

Oh yea, the "pills" are commercially known as Remeron. Mirtazapine is the medical term for the pills.

Taken from Wikipedia.

Mirtazapine is an antidepressant introduced by Organon International in 1996 used for the treatment of mild to severe depression. Mirtazapine has a tetracyclic chemical structure and is classified as a noradrenergic and specific serotonergic antidepressant (NaSSA). It is the only tetracyclic antidepressant that has been approved by the Food and Drug Administration to treat depression. Because of its unique pharmacologic profile, mirtazapine is virtually devoid of anticholinergic effects, serotonin-related side effects,^[1] and adrenergic side effects (orthostatic hypotension and sexual dysfunction). Antihistaminic side effects of drowsiness and weight gain are prominent. It is most useful as an add on medication to enhance the effectiveness of agents such as duloxetine and venlafaxine in severe and treatment resistant depression. Mirtazapine is relatively safe if an overdose is taken.

Side effects occurring commonly:

Increased appetite
Vivid dreams/ Nightmares as a result of regular intake
Weight gain
Increase in cholesterol, independent of weight gain
Drowsiness, especially at lower doses and during the first few weeks of treatment
Dizziness, coupled often with the effects of sickness
Headache
General or local swelling
Visual hallucinations (when taken during the day or when awake)

Side effects occurring rarely:

Excessive urinating when taken with alcohol
Mania
Seizures
Tremor
Muscle twitching and Restless Legs Syndrome
Pins and needles
Rash and skin eruptions
Pain in the joints or muscles
Low blood pressure
Higher blood pressure
Causes obesity

Dangerous side effects

If you experience any of these, tell your doctor immediately. You will need to consult your doctor for taper-off instructions. Sudden withdrawal from antidepressants can cause serious symptoms.

An allergic reaction; signs of swelling of the lips, face and tongue, difficulty in breathing, rash or itching (especially affecting the whole body) or feeling faint.
Signs of infection such as fever, sore throat, mouth ulcers or stomach upset.
Jaundice (yellowing of the skin and/or eyes).
Agranulocytosis

So, anyone of you who know me, be gentle to me or beware of me.

I might turn crazy at anytime. Roar !!!!

I'm not a genius ...

OGA 2007 (Come & Visit us & Booth J02 @ Hall 1 & 2)

13 to 15 June 2007
Kuala Lumpur Convention Centre

1 DAY TO GO!

We wish extend our invitation to visit our booth, J02 at Hall 1 & 2

TANKQUIP RESOURCES SDN BHD - TQR at KL Convention Centre at KLCC
for the biggest OIL & GAS SHOW in Asia - THE OGA 2007
which starts on Wednesday, 13th June 2007

We will be exhibiting Tank Terminal Equipments,
Liquid Packaging System
using IBCs (Intermediate Bulk Container),
SS034 & SS316 Tote tank,
DNV Approved Lifting
Frame , PP Valves, Couplings and Fittings.

We look forward to seeing you at the show.

Adhering to the highest standards of a pivotal business platform among the oil and gas industry players, OGA 2007 in its 11th series will be held from 13– 15 June 2007 staged at the Kuala Lumpur Convention Centre. An estimated of 800 oil and gas corporations will be exhibiting thei technology and services from chemical engineering to geological, reservoir evaluation, marine equipments, offshore well equipments to subsea technologies and many others.

Delcom Services, Exxon Mobil, Global Process System, Halliburton, M3NERGY, Offshore CPI, Olio Resources, Protank Technologies, Sapura Crest, Schlumberger, Siemens Malaysia, Technip Geoproduction are amongst the participating companies at OGA 2007. Also confirming on their participation are the National Oil Companies such as PETRONAS and PERTAMINA and Country Pavilions from as far as the United Kingdom, the United States and Germany.

OGA 2007 is held to create greater economic collaboration to trigger rapid development across Asia, create long term socio-economy benefits and strengthen trade relations. The event is expected to attract over 10,000 trade visitors from 45 countries including China, Indonesia, Thailand and the US.

To further enhance its profile as the main event for the region, OGA 2007 is please to be held in conjunction with the PETRONAS high profiled conference, the AOGC 2007 or the 12th Annual Asia Oil and Gas Conference for the second time. The partnership of both events is set to create a most unique and highly impact business platform.